Brian had a college assignment today that was for a communications course and his assignment was a several page essay on what communication rules we have in our home and what the results of them were. I realized after talking to a couple of people ‘The Spoon Theory’ peeked curiosity, so then I began to think it would be nice to share on a blog. It may help to improve communications for other families. These things are very important to us, we may even be a little obsessed in the parental arena with trying to get child raising as close to right as possible. Brian and I both came from very abusive homes. To this day we rarely speak to our parents b/c no one wants to be a dart board for undue venom spewed, this is where our hyper-vigilance comes into play with wanting to be good awesome parents. The best of ourselves that we can offer our children.
Our first rule would be boundaries. Boundaries in our home cover several things -
1) Tone of voice. - No one needs to be spoken to like she man was just unleashed.
2) Speaking with grace, having manners when you open your mouth to speak. Manners are simply an awareness of others around you.
3) If your hasty, walk away until you’ve calmed down.
4) Assertive - if needed to be, in a kind manner. Because we’re not here to be complete doormats. But it doesn’t take screaming, yelling, or disciplining out of pure anger to get things accomplished. If we need to discipline, we’ve hit the point where it’s “this is what is wrong, this is why it is wrong, and this is what will happen if you do it again.” And we stick to our words. Consistency is the key to any change and growth. If you make a mistake and slip up, apologize, wipe your knee’s off, & keep striving forward.
5) If you wouldn’t talk in that manner to a co-worker or a church member, you don’t talk that way to your family either.
Which leads me into communication key #2 - The Spoon Theory
If you’ve hit a rocky point The Spoon Theory is a great way to recover. Sometimes family annoyances, grievances, or a talk is needed. It solves a lot if you can openly communicate in an environment you feel safe, and that’s the precise point that you can begin to make changes and growth happen. We literally pull out a spoon and all sit at the table (we started this about 3 years ago). We hand one person the spoon and they can speak (in a manner using rule #1- boundaries) No one can speak unless they are holding the spoon. Sound silly? Maybe, but this is what it creates… Proactive listening, validating others feelings (we are all entitled to our opinions and feelings, even if sometimes we don’t want to hear constructive criticism about ourselves, you need to and understand that if your living in a loving family- they are telling you because they want positive growth, they want to be closer to you, and it is not being said to hurt you). It ends defensiveness. If you don’t have the spoon, your not to talk which helps to end defensiveness. If you mind your boundaries and listen when your not holding the spoon- then it gives you a chance to think about what is being said.
Sometimes you can find a point of understanding (where the other person is coming from) before you have your turn with the spoon. We’ve used this not only as a family unit, but also to air our sibling rivalry. It also teaches respect, patience, and manners, all awhile opening the door to communication again. It avoids a family argument. No one wants to hear doors slamming all day, siblings yelling at each other, hasty tones of voices, or an entire family in an uproar at each other. If its a deep conversation that was long over due and your getting a little angry at what you are hearing, take a break. You can walk away and say “I’ll be back in 5 minutes” while you walk away to think about what has been said. Sometimes the truth about ourselves hurts the most and is the hardest to digest so that few minutes of break helps to digest the info you just heard.
It also stops an argument before it begins. We don’t have to wait until everyone is annoyed and anger filled to have a family meeting. The Spoon Theory gives every one a chance to speak, sometimes more than once, & it helped us immensely. We are to the point that 3 years later we communicate more than ever, it no longer requires a spoon because we’ve learned to listen, and I find my girls (even a teenager!) coming to me to talk about anything and everything. She no longer feels the need to hide things she fears we may not agree with because we listen to one another, we’ve learned to accept differences and respect them. The Spoon Theory can even work with husband / wives if your struggling. Certainly having blow up arguments won’t help (it may just create bitterness), but this tool will re-open the door to communication on what needs worked on. It also isn’t always constructive criticism sometimes we also can hear the nice things others think about us and don’t often say out loud.
In order for the spoon theory to work, you really need to create a safe environment for the kids / spouse to say what is on their minds. If you’ve acted a bit harsh and they want to say the things they feel you are doing wrong & it hurts them, you need to allow them to have the spoon and say it WITHOUT pouting, moping, getting angry or defensive because constructive criticism was brought to you - often in the beginning when we left the table, we all had some constructive criticism to think about and begin to work within ourselves. If you don’t give your children / husband / wife a safe place to communicate then you can’t be surprised when later down the road all communications has about ceased, but the spoon theory can be a first step back on the right path. You also need to be honest with yourself. Everyone makes mistakes so if your child / husband / wife is telling you that you are doing something that bothers them, don’t just jump to denial, think about it for a minute, because maybe unknowingly you are. We are all human beings that make mistakes, how you handle your mistakes will make your character. What makes your family is the little, tiny decisions you make day in and day out. How you talk to them, how you treat them, how you make them feel. If you want a happy environment, then don’t feed the misery monster and create it in your home.
And last but not least, I would say one of the biggest things that helps us is two words. “Thank you.” All too often in our hurried lives, we snap about the smallest, most insignificant things. We try very hard not to snap at each other. You need to remember that your way is not always the right way, but if something needs corrected - let’s use the dishwasher for example. The kids load it for a chore? Well if they did it wrong, it doesn’t take yelling or name calling to correct it. It simple takes “Thank you! I appreciate that you loaded the dishwasher for me, but can I show you how to load it so the dishes will get better cleaned?” (I show them) and end it with “Thanks for helping me, I really appreciate your kindness.” I cannot tell you how it has turned our family around in a couple of years. I can honest say I never hear the doors being slammed here, I rarely ever hear sibling rivalry (they talk to each other with respect and I catch them joking around far more now than ever before. It brought them closer). This eliminate the need for people to allow small things to build up and then they blow up, its rids the human volcano eruption which can lead to a big argument. The way I think of things as I raise my children - its not only effectively teaching them how to speak to their own family members, but it will also help them in the future with careers, their own children, their own spouses, and their friends. They have learned to carry themselves in a respectful manner and also how to speak up assertively in a respectful way if needed. Children often emulate our behavior - so if you call them names, belittle them, or berate them don’t be surprised if before long, they are lashing out at you.
As with anything the spoon theory can take time, change doesn’t happen over night and positive change rarely happens without someone making it happen. I have just found these things to help us tremendously as we are a military family (AGR, so we are not on a post) we’re very much on our own, surrounded by kids most of our days, and I home school. While other parents are complaining all over the internet about the kids being home on holiday breaks, it kind of makes me wonder why its so awful? I guess because we are surrounded by ours almost all the time and we make it work in a positive manner. These little beings are my children, a part of me - not a burden.
If your struggling a bit, I hope sharing this helps some! I’ve taken hits on Facebook about “having the perfect family” (and other snide comments) and truth is, nothing is perfect. It is GREAT. It’s great because we work on it daily. Many know our name, but not our story. I gave you a little bit of background info, but here’s a little more if you need some extra motivation. My husband and I came from HIGHLY toxic, abusive homes ourselves. We’ve been through two war deployments so far, both of us have dealt with PTSD (his from war, mine from my childhood). Brian accepted a step child as his own- that’s just a few things. Whew, if the odds weren’t stacked against us statistically, I don’t know what would be! What I do know is this - you have the power to create anything you want. You have the power to fix things or make them better. You don’t have to repeat the patterns of your past. I think one of the biggest mistakes we make as a society is that we try to discipline & talk to one another in a mean manner - then we sit back and wonder why our kids / spouse are angry. Why they feel worthless and not accepted. Why they speak poorly to us. We are their example, lets not forget, so set a positive one! I am finally able to fully say I did not become my past! It took a lot of hard work and little daily choices to get me here, but I can’t think of one complaint about my husband or kids. I asked them today their opinion (and being that we started to create a safe environment for their opinions years ago, they will speak it) Both girls say the same - no complaints,we can talk things out, they can talk to us much more than most kids say they can tell their parents. (matter of fact many their friends say that to us) In the end, I had 3 goals since becoming a mother - not to become my abusers, to make a safe, accepting, loving, & secure environment for my children, and to be the best wife I could be. It’s little things like “The Spoon Theory” that have helped us along the way and I hope if your struggling, it helps you, too!
